Two Cows

This is kind of one of those things floating around the internet that Michael Scott would forward to you in an e-mail. I actually think it's pretty funny.



U.S./TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

FRENCH CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. The cows go on strike to keep out American hormone-fed milk and launch a stampede through a McDonalds franchise at Euro-Disney. The French Cow Liberation Front hacks into the Cheddar website with images of Roquefort and WAV files declaring "Vive la France!"

JAPANESE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

EXTROPIAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You read their DNA and figure out a way to create lean beef directly in a vat. You upload your cows. You debate endlessly on what to do with the originals cows, which are still alive and well, and are demanding bovine rights.

BRITISH CAPITALISM
You have two cows. Both are mad.

CHINESE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AFRICAN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them because they used to belong to white colonists. No one feeds them and they starve to death. Then you starve to death.

Below are the more traditional "two cows" explanation of political ideologies.

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Real World Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Cuban Communism:
You have two cows. They swim to Florida and become capitalists.

Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

A commenter over at Classical Values added this gem:

You have two cows. The larger of the two cows gives more milk but is determined to be a major producer of greenhouse gases.

The government takes that cow and gives you $4500 worth of other people's money toward the purchase of a smaller, hideously expensive but extremely tasteful and popular black Tajima-ushi cow, which produces less milk and requires daily brushing, purchased from a cattle rancher who recently marked up the cost of his product by roughly $4500.

The next day Youtube is hosting a video of your large cow being fed into a meat grinder tail first, surrounded by gibbering, giggling government sycophants. In certain circles, this is considered great justice.

Somehow, I understand the world a lot better now.

Truly Random Thoughts

A few personal notes:

Light blogging these days. I think the summer heat takes it out of me. Or maybe I'm just being lazy. Or maybe it's both.

Actually, I'm not as lazy as I have been. For the last 2 weeks, I have been getting up about 6:45 am and walking--briskly, I might add--a little over a mile through the streets of Rockettown. Well--as briskly as the temperature-humidity index will allow. One almost needs a pair of gills to gulp in the oversaturated air. It helps to wear a sweat shirt, too--I easily sweat off what I hope are some of the extra pounds I am carrying. What with this and the AbCircle Pro that Anya bought about the same time I started walking, I hope to be able to fit into one of those cool, Borat thong-things by August, so I can look hot on the beach at Caye Caulker. High five!

I have made some new book acquisitions recently. I am waiting to begin The Angel's Game, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. I really liked his The Shadow Of The Wind, with its underlying old books and the surrealism of post-war Barcelona (dude, I so sound like an English major!!!), so I am hoping that the sophomore effort is worth it. Speaking of Spain, I am also dipping into Ghosts Of Spain, by Giles Tremlett. I have not really read much about modern Spain, and the time around the Spanish Civil War; it is fascinating to read how a country that once ruled most of the New World had, by the 19th century, been largely relegated to the sidelines of world politics, burdened by superstition and an incredible depth of poverty.

I also picked up two science fiction novels. The Anubis Gates, by Tim Powers I acquired from some random review on the Web. An interesting time travel story, encompassing a dizzying collection of famous literary characters, it's a little too much all over the map for me, but I am almost done, so I will finish it out.

The other book is The City & The City, by China Mieville. It is truly interesting, and Mieville has a really great imagination, sharp and bizarre at the same time. I have only begun to read it, though; sometimes I read too many books at the same time, and my neurons get cross-wired with my glial cells.

We had a wonderful 4 day weekend here, including some rather impressive smoke bombs (these suckers blew smoke for like 3 or 4 minutes) and other assorted backyard detonations. We even had a nice trip to Lake St. John, courtesy of the Blackwells (thanks, Sarah and John). It's an old ox-bow lake, cut off from the Mississippi a long time ago, about 60 miles south of here. Nice boating and swimming and grilling.

July 1st means a lot of different things (as I blogged about last year). To me, it marks a kind of summer midpoint--the days are actually already getting shorter, the baseball All-Star break is just around the corner, and at least for the kids of Rockettown, school is only about six weeks away. Those prescient folks at WalMart were already setting up the back-to-school displays this weekend, hehehe. If I were a schoolkid, this premature display of your intentions, sir, would be an act tantamount to war.

Also--check out Eric's new art blog for Northeast Louisiana, artnela--I've linked it over there on the side. It is a great place to get some great writing about the arts in this area; I really admire Eric's personal blog, so you should check that out as well.

For those of you who haven't noticed, Anya has begun some new works in the last few weeks--I really like them, and I think you will too. She has some pictures posted on facebook and on her blog.

I am probably going to be tweaking the appearance around here a little, so you may notice a few changes (like this layout, for example).

Okay--enough rambling. Haven't forgotten about politics, nosirree, but with the McMahonFawcettJacksonMaysMalden demises piling up, perhaps a certain amount of reverence is called for, yes?

That was snarky sarcasm, in case you missed it . . .

Measured response

Heh.

Translation

I SO get it now.

Gay marriage opponent topless photos leaked.

HOT HOT HOT!

Sorry--I couldn't resist.

The New Religion

This picture was snapped in the children's section of a Borders bookstore in Dallas.

. . . and the children shall lead them . . .

Jon Stewart's insider info

Much being made of Jon Stewart's skewering of Jim Cramer recently on his show. Cramer's kind of lame, so I guess Stewart figured he would be an easy target to shoot at. I mean, it's not like there isn't any other political fodder out there for the comedians, right? Bumbling foreign policy, our economy is "fundamentally sound," picking every tax cheat they can find for top posts, charging war vets for their care, silly fights with right-wing talkshow hosts in the middle of the deepest economic crisis in 70-odd years, etc.

Well, Stewart apparently had a little help:

Jon Stewart, the scourge of Wall Street and bane of CNBC, may have had a secret weapon in his corner to help him prep for his grudge match with "Mad Money" host, Jim Cramer - his older brother.

As the Wall Street Journal recently pointed out, Stewart's brother, Larry Leibowitz, is head of US Markets & Global Technology at NYSE Euronext. (Stewart's given surname is also "Leibowitz," but he famously told "60 Minutes" that he changed it to "Stewart" because Leibowitz "sounded too Hollywood"). Larry has also held high positions at Credit Suisse and Morgan Stanley.

A Page Six spy who recently shared an elevator ride at the NYSE with Leibowitz and Big Board CEO Duncan Niederauer says, "They both got off on the sixth floor, after Leibowitz had practically been doing everything but shine his shoes for the short ride up. What a routine they have. One brother pretends to kick Wall Street's butt by crucifying Cramer on his show, while the other brother is down on Wall Street kissing it."

'Cause, you know, cable television is the real malevolent power behind the financial crisis. Mustache-twisting CEOs use financial news programs to manufacture consent!

I mean, that would be like me having a left-wing brother who reads Firedoglake and Talking Points everyday and probably has Carville and Begala on speed dial and . . .

. . . oh wait--I do!

YO! It's the First Lady!

I had to look closely at this picture to figure it out.

No--I get the part about Michelle Obama spending some time volunteering at a soup kitchen.

But it's like she's mugging for the camera, posing for a photo . . .

. . . and she is! The "homeless" dude that she is plating up a lunch for is taking her picture--WITH HIS CELL PHONE!

If it weren't for soup kitchens, many Americans would go to bed tonight without their cell phones.

Soviet breakdancing

Oh my.

If they would have attacked us with these dance moves, back in the '50's, this post would be in Cyrillic.

Special Forces

Two servicemen pictured riding the new improved Nimbus 2000 in Tikrit, Iraq. The updated broomsticks are outfitted with Sneakoscopes and the latest model Foe-glass.

Check out a few other pics from Iraq. I especially like the one with the lady pilot with her purse danging from the controls.

Really?

The headline "Mythic birthplace of Zeus possibly found" struck me as bizarre.

Kind of like "Forge for Thor's hammer located," or maybe "Paul Bunyan's seamstress reveals secrets."

Please, not OJ!

Mr. Simpson has been through enough.

These guys are really scary. Maybe they bomb orange groves.

TISFS

This Is Some Funny Stuff.

No, I don't have those mad skilz as a text hero. But I did find these cool texting acronyms for old folks, over at McSweeney's:

BIMD: Back in my day

ROFLACGU: Rolling on the floor laughing and can't get up

ML2N?: Matlock tonight?

OMGWTF: Oh my. Gee whiz. Tutti-frutti.

MBDC: My bad. Damn cataracts.

WIOLATS: Wore it out like a turn signal.

GTALNINFTCW: Gee, thanks a lot, now I'll never finish that crossword.

Not that I'm old or anything.

(YOU KIDS GET OUT OF MY YARD!!!!!)

VP Debate Questions--Sneak Peek

This is a sample of some of the questions that Ms. Awful--I mean, Ms. Ifill, is supposed to ask during tonight's debate:

Mayor Palin, Barack Obama is a handsome, charismatic demigod. How many boxes of Kleenex will you need after your crushing loss?

Senator Biden, what is your favorite color? And if you have time for a follow-up question: Why?

Mayor, you talk funny and you own a tanning bed. Why haven't you released Trig's birth certificate?

Senator, have you seen those pictures of Obama in his swim trunks? If not, I have them right here.

Mayor, what are the names, ages, and blood types of all 71 members of the Belgian Senate? And why are you unwilling to admit that your inability to instantly produce any and every fact I demand makes you unfit to stand in the way of history?

Senator, you've spoken at length. Could you please continue?

Mayor, which is your preferred method of stifling dissent, banning books or burning them? Since it's both, please explain how you can deny the accusation that you're a fascist, which I am making now.

Senator, could you please sign my book?

'Cause, you know, she's a journalist, so she's just gotta be neutral, right?

Questions courtesy of Jim Treacher.

Barackrolled!

Awesome.

Sta uh way to Stawdom

This treasure I ran across from a link at MetaFilter. Jaw-dropping in its awfulness. I think I actually threw up a little when I saw it.

There are a few related videos up on YouTube. Proceed at your own peril.

Some personal random stuff

We are planning on enjoying the weekend here at home in Rockettown. Our consulting chief building officer has provided me with several more feet of new bookshelves, so I can unpack a few more boxes. Anya's studio is going well; with the set-up and all of the space, she is "cranking out the canvasses" (art world slang, yes? I am SO COOL) and gearing up to maybe give some art classes. Very nice. Pics are of the new studio in action, one of which was taken by the only 4 year old photographer in the city.

My oldest daughter is now blogging; visit her blog and pick on her if you'd like.

Oh--we had an ultrasound earlier this week--the baby looks great, and construction appears to be right on schedule. Not able to definitively identify what type of plumbing is present, but some of what I saw made me think that it's a girl. We shall see . . .

And congratulations to Nika, who got her green belt in Tae Kwan Do tonight!

"Everybody was Kung Fu fightin'
Them cats was fast as lightnin' . . .
Whoa-ho-ho-hooooooooo--CHOP"
Carl Douglas, Kung Fu Fighting, 1974

Gaffe-o-rama!

Biden's been praised for his superior intellect, and of course, his experience. But, DOOD, this guy's experience is supernatural!

He saw FDR on TV!

Honest! He even told Katie Couric:

"When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the princes of greed," Biden told Couric. "He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'"

We'll give him a pass on the Chuck Graham wheelchair incident. But, seeing FDR on TV must have been a truly special moment.

Can you imagine if McCain had said that? Or--gulp--silly Sarah Palin? What part of the internet would that NOT have been on?

Biden--even Quayler than Quayle.

An Inconvenient Iceberg

Awwwwww.

Kind of like the old bumper sticker that said, "Nuke The Whales--Keep 'em Guessing."

Taking fitness to a (w)hole 'nother level

I had heard briefly about this, um, special spa, you know, for women; no, it's not Curves--it's a really special spa.

It's a spa for your vagina.

Yep.

The New York Times article is titled "A spa for those women concerned about pelvic fitness," which is a growing constituency, I guess. The pelvis has become a marketable area for modification, ranging from the Brazilian bikini wax to genital surgery referred to as vaginal “rejuvenation.” Doctors have even coined a term for such genital “beautification”: cosmetogynecology or cosmogynecology. The ads for doctors who specialize in vaginal rejuvenation, and for courses that you can take to learn the techniques ("YOU can become a licensed vaginal rejuvenator--IN YOUR SPARE TIME!") are rampant in the OBGYN periodicals.

Let's see what they say about this place, shall we?

Dr. Laura Romanzi is opening "the first medi spa in Manhattan wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genital area. Phit — short for pelvic health integrated techniques — is to open this month on East 58th Street." Apparently, for $150, you can go in and tighten your vaginal muscles around Dr. Romanzi's fingers so she can assess your, eh, personal fitness. Perhaps Dr. Romanzi seeks to return to those halcyon days back in the late 1800's, when it was fashionable for society women to visit their gynecologist who would perform "uterine manipulations" to relieve their neurasthenias and hysterias, so to speak.

She's got a website, too.

Some of the services offered include Lazy Susan ("Painless electrical stimulation--for an effortless Kegel muscle workout"), Lip Sync (for those with asymmetrical labia), and The "Other" Face Lift (go on--guess what that's about--I dare you). There's even a Gifts and Packages page, for that special someone in your life! "Honey, the kids and I wanted to get you something really nice for Mother's Day . . . "

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

The article does include some skepticism from a Dr. Abbey Berenson, who states, “If this is being recommended to women who have no symptoms, then there are no medical organizations or literature that support that that is necessary.” Indeed, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has issued a statement noting that "vaginal rejuvenation, designer vaginoplasty, revirgination, and G-spot amplification, are not medically indicated, and the safety and effectiveness of these procedures have not been documented. No adequate studies have been published assessing the long-term satisfaction, safety, and complication rates for these procedures."

Dr. Romanzi says that she only wanted to teach women the proper way to do Kegel exercises. She does grudgingly admit that the idea of pelvic fitness is based more on her own experience than on clinical evidence. However, she believes all women might benefit from such exercises. “If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these,” she said. “It’s the dental floss of feminine fitness.”

I'm not sure what your voting rights have to do with your G-spot; nor am I sure that women will necessarily appreciate the flossing analogy. Indeed, The Anchoress commented, "My voting vagina rejects the analogy to dental floss - it makes her wince into a stern and metal-bending Kegel."

Only a woman could say that.